Ben Shapiro's Eyebrows Escalate!
Did the Daily Wire editor glue two beaver pelts above his eyes to increase his audience?
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Author’s Note: The following article is written in a long-forgotten language called: satire. If you are an American politician who has recently returned from the Wailing Wall or been named in the Epstein files, you should only continue reading after consulting with a physician.
It’s the 11th day of the Iran war.
Bombs are falling all over the Middle East. The stock market is tanking. Gas prices are skyrocketing. Home prices are out of control.
The only growth sector in America’s economy right now: Ben Shapiro’s eyebrows.
Let’s discuss.
Here’s the before and after photos to remind you that Ben Shapiro had the usual Palm Beach metrosexual micro-tweeze look just a few months ago.
So what in the world happened to his face?
There’s no official word from his news agency The Daily Wire about this sudden appearance change. Did Ben have eyebrow transplants? Is he trying to start a new look called eyebrow-maxxing? Did he glue two beaver pelts above his eyes to increase his audience?
Whatever it is — it’s pure Chabad genius.
The new look has taken the Internet by storm. Articles are being written about it in fashion magazines. Discussion threads are buzzing in our college dorms.
Even young girls are embracing the trend.
Here’s Ben’s make-up artist explaining “the look” in a make-up tutorial.
I’m told that we are currently witnessing a growth stage in Ben’s eyebrow development. We have been sent some images of what the final look will be and it’s best described as: eyebrow mossad.
The Israelis believe that Ben’s new look might catch on with American youth who disapprove of Israeli foreign policy, and spark a surge of interest in reading the Talmud and voting for Bibi Netanyahu to be elected president of the United States in 2028 — to complete two consecutive terms in office.
There are some nagging concerns about terminal overgrowth caused by Ben’s enthusiasm for getting COVID vaccine boosters though.
I’m told that what could happen to Ben Shapiro’s eyebrows in the next phase of the war while Iranian bombs are dropping on Tel Aviv could best be described as reckless entanglement in which the eyebrows also grow around the eyes completely and then a kind of blindness can occur in which even bombing a school full of little girls cannot be seen.
Ultimately we are told that Israeli intelligence is hoping that Ben’s new look will spread through social media and become fashionable and iconic. Plans are being made to introduce a new character on Sesame Street which will mimic Ben Shapiro’s new look. That character will be called: Shabot Shalom. No date is being set for when Big Bird, Elmo, and the Cookie Monster will meet their new friend and suddenly convert to being dual-citizens after praying at the Wailing Wall.
I’m told: Fox News will run those new episodes.
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Hysterically funny!
Emerald i have been a fan and subscriber for a while. I can't believe you actually wrote and published this. It is demeaning and beneath you. I'll overlook the quasi anti semitic tone. I will say this intra right wing fight that seems to have picked up speed in the last 9 months is just what the democrats and progressives want. Do us all a favor and focus on the stories you are known for and leave this petty partisanship in the gutter where it belongs. You are better than this.