Of Course Joe Biden Is The President!

Because Dark Times Require Dark Humor.

People ask me all the time whether or not I believe that Joe Biden is the President of the United States. I find this question strange and insulting, of course, because it’s simply crazy to think that Joe Biden is not the President of the United States. To entertain that kind of stuff is ludicrous — dangerous really. Pure conspiracy theory nonsense for the rubes. Who do they think wakes up inside the White House bedroom every morning and gets lost in the hallways before the nurse corrals him to the breakfast table?

“Actually,” I tell them, “Joe Biden is the most popular President that we have ever seen in America.” This just stops them right in their tracks. Not that these folks are serious about arithmetic or Socratic dialogue, mind you, but I just knock them over with numbers. Data. Math. Usually, I start with Maricopa County in Arizona because we have so much information leaking from the audit there. Did you know that Joe Biden is so popular that he broke all the electronic voting machines and the authorities still can’t find the router passwords? That’s true. That number of Biden voters has simply never been counted before and it probably just melted the router passwords right off the computers. Nobody can find them.

That’s not all: Twitter just deleted the accounts of the Maricopa Arizona audit team because they probably weren’t sure if the audit team could count that high. That was the right call. Biden’s win was so astronomical and embarrassing for the Trump campaign that, simply out of compassion and politeness, the Maricopa Board of Supervisors refused to comply with state subpoenas to tell Trump the exact number by which Biden kicked his ass. I think that’s wonderful. It really shows how far Biden is willing to go to unite the country. Heck, the guy got 74,000 ballots (EV33s) that Maricopa County didn’t even know they sent out (EV32s) during the election! You know what that means: people were so enthusiastic about Joe they wanted people to know regardless of the legality of their feelings. I mean 3,981 people even registered and voted for Biden after the deadline to register to vote had passed! You can’t put a price tag (or a jail sentence) on that kind of love.

Trump’s people simply can’t handle the truth because Biden’s win is so much bigger than most minds can comprehend. At least 11,326 people who were not even on the voter rolls in Maricopa on November 7th just came out of the woodwork to go for Joe on December 4th. Now I know what you’re thinking: isn’t that after Election Day? Isn’t that sorta impossible? That’s just how big this landslide really was - all the technicalities like dates simply melted away in the final tally. And we’re just talking about the Biden voters who showed up in person. There were another 74,240 mail-in ballots that got counted for Joe and nobody even knows who sent in those ballots. I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit about suspicious ballots coming out of nowhere in the middle of the night to be counted either: the same thing happened in lots of other counties across America so you know it’s true.

There was an obvious enthusiasm gap between Trump and Biden that still makes the Trump people uncomfortable. Sure, the Trumpers showed up at parades and boat shows and rallies across the country in huge numbers, but did they really go the extra mile for their guy? Did they, for instance, access the Maricopa County voting software database 37,646 times (in March alone) in order to delete the logs for their candidate? Or vote on ballots even if those ballots lacked proper serial numbers or chain of custody documentation? Did they double-count ballots? Or mark a bunch of ballot boxes as going 100-0 for Trump in Fulton County? Not a chance.

How far were the Trump people really prepared to go? As it turned out: not nearly far enough. The Biden voters never showed up for the TV cameras and the big media events, sure, because they were too busy on the Dark Web of the internet making sure that the integrity of Joe’s momentum took him straight to the White House! Nothing so convoluted as math or Trump winning 18 of 19 bellwether counties was going to derail their guy. You gotta admire their grit and their hacking skills.

Better luck next time, Trumpers.